It's was a bad zombie story.
Poorly written.
Apparently by a 12 year-old.
A 12 year-old with ADHD.
Who has been doing rails of coke.
Coke cut with Pixy Stix.
Who thinks it's wicked awesome to swear. Fuck yeah! It adds drama and shit!
Those pages I presented to you. And I do so again. This time, I've added my special notation. That's right folks, it's Deconstruction of Shitty Zombie Story Friday!
I don't know why I do such nice things for you!
Page 1
"What's up cuz you packed?"
Here Drew isn't referring to David as his cousin. He is is saying "What's up? Something must be up because I can clearly see that you have packed your belongings. Have I perhaps given offense in some manner? Is it because you're attempting to escape this ridiculous story?
" Yeah, about that,"
Holy crap! He's channeling Bill Lumbergh! The story takes a horrific turn and it's only the fifth sentence!
David walked over and set on the bed,
This is proper speechification in Texas. One does not sit on a bed. Rather, one "Sets their ass." on a bed.
"I've sort of been thinking that maybe I might stay home for this one."
Here we establish that our two protagonists have had many adventures together. They've seen and done things you've only read about in Reader's Digest! Specifically, things from the "All in a Day's Work" section. That's prime comedy there.
"We are going to reveal things that people have killed for to keep quit, and you actually believe for one second that their just going to let four guys that don't amount to a pile of shit to them, go to the top of some hill in Pennsylvania and let all there secrets out, and not do a damn thing about it."
Wow! Conspiracies! Shadowy figures! Two protagonists still to be introduced! Also, the best secrets are always kept on hills. That way no one can reach them. Because hills are tall. And people are not. I'm excited!
"David walked across the room propped his hands on the window seal as he looked out the window at his wife Char lien sitting in a chair outside waiting."
So... his wife is just sitting in the yard in a chair. Isn't that kind of... odd? She's been given nothing to do. I'm thinking the author has no idea what an actual human female is like.
"I just have to much to sacrifice. I have a wife now a new house and hopefully a kid"
Now David is just being a dick. He's throwing it all in David's face. "Ooooooooo! Look at all my money! I used some to buy a house! And I have ssssssssssssssssssssex with my bee-yoooooooo-teeeeee-fulll wife!"
Fuck you, David.
"Who cares if no one really happened in Dallas?"
Holy shit! These guys are gonna blow the lid off the Kennedy assassination! Or maybe they're just trying to figure out who shot J.R. It's a toss-up at this point.
"They watched the man get closer and closer to Charlein, then all of the sudden she jumped up out of the chair she was sitting in and started screaming."
I'm telling you. He has no idea. His practical education regarding women comes primarily from a Tijuana bible and "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody".
"David grabbed the hunting knife off the counter..."
What? Well where do you keep your hunting knife, smartypants?
Char lien saw david and yelled for him to help her.
" This fucker is trying to bite me." She screamed.
In David's defense, that doesn't sound much like a cry for help. In honesty sounds more like something you'd hear at a Motorhead concert. Or on a second date. With Ben.
Page 2
"Her arm look as if her flesh had been removed by some sort of farming equipment."
An interesting simile. If by "interesting" I mean "ungainly and by the way why do you know what farm equipment mutilated flesh looks like?"
"What are you DOing?" Charlein asked.
"I'm wrapping it around your arm to stop the bleeding."
"But that's one of your nice shirts."
"it's either this or you bleed todeath. Do you want to fucking die?"
"Well no. But...."
David's a smooth talker ain't he? Knows how to treat a lady right. Even down to the bedside manner. Also, my god, is Charlein his wife or his mother?
"Your right. Char lien can you call 911, while we check this guy out"
"Sure Dear ill just try not to bleed all over the fucking carpet."
"Look I didn't ask for some fucking sarcastick remarck just call 911."
So in less than two pages we've gone from "David not wanting to expose who killed JFK because a shadowy cabal might leave his beloved wife a widow" to "his wife bleeding out and him screaming rude vulgarities at her". Vulgarities and typos."
"Fine, and what exactly do i say... umm yeah my husband just stabbed some guy in the head and hes laying in our cousin's yard dead."
I take back what I said about David. Char lien is kind of a bitch. Also... Wait! What the fuck?!? Did you see that???
"my husband just stabbed some guy in the head and hes laying in our cousin's yard dead.""
my husband just stabbed some guy in the head and hes laying in our cousin's yard dead."
"my husband just stabbed some guy in the head and hes laying in our cousin'syard dead. "
If Drew is David's cousin, and Drew is Charline's cousin then at BEST David and Cahrlnei are cousins themselves. At worst they are brother and sister. Do you hear me? David is married to his goddamned sister! You better hope to hell she ain't knocked up, David. You don't want babies with two heads that have to eat their ice cream with a straw.
"You know what the looks like don't you?" David looked at Drew with a smirk."
I'm glad to see David has gotten over murdering a man in cold blood so well. I was worried about him for a bit there.
Page 3
"And the T.V. is saying something about virus stricken people walking around and attacking people in Mexico and parts of the southern US"
HOLY SHIT IT'S SWINE FLU! WHY DIDN'T WE LISTEN TO LOU DOBBS WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE?? OH, LOU!! HOW FOOLISH AND PRIDEFUL WE WERE NOT TO LISTEN TO YOUR CUDDLY JOWLS OF TRUTH!
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. Just go inside, and try to clean up your arm, me and Drew will be back.
"Wear the fuck are you going."
"Into town right quick, just do what i said."
Yeah, Cahnleir! Get back inside! And bake a pie or something, woman!
"This cant be happening. I mean yeah we always talked about what we would do if it did, but damn"
Ah. Now it makes sense. David and Drew used to strategerize scenarios involving zombie apocalypse. David and Drew are nerds.
"They two got out of the truck and walked around the corner. Drew opened the doo, and from behind the counter the old man pulled out a shotgun and started shooting at them.
Opened the door? Opened the door to what?!? Sigh. Ok, I guess they went around the corner and the corner ended up having a door. To go around. Or something.
"Wait are you talking?"
I mean how do you answer that? I mean even if you say "No" then you're talking. You are cleverer than me, oh Guardian of the Corner Door!
"Well hell boys hurry your asses up and get in here."
Whaaa...? So up to this point they've opened the corner door, been shot at and had a conversation with the old man inside...something. How were they talking to him then? They never went in the... whatever the hell the old man is in!
"Why the hell were you shooting at us."
"Yeah sorry about that."
The Guardian of the Corner Door is pretty laid back about shooting at people. his bad, yo!
Page 4
"Where do you suggest we go?"
Drew stood up. "Pennsylvania we get supplies and we go to Pennsylvania."
Drew, you sly motherfucker! That's where you wanted to go on page one! Your boy David is so turned around he don't know which way is up! You couldn't have been more obvious if you'd said "Pennsylvania we get supplies and we go to Pennsylvania. Maybe find a hill. Maybe go to a movie or something. Maybe reveal things that people have killed for to keep quit, let all there secrets out. That kinda thing. Or not. Whatever."
"...we go up there get with Todd and Wes and we get ready.
Yay! Our two mystery protagonists have names now! Now they just have to get with David and Drew and... get ready. For... something. Maybe prom?
"There dead, ther all dead."
Come on now. How could you have possibly called all of your family members? Parents, kids, nephews, nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I mean that'd take forever calling all those people! Of course David is married to his sister and by her accent she's obviously a hillbilly so when you total up parents, kids, nephews, nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles you're really only talking about like four people. Five at the outside. So, yeah I guess I can see how she'd bang that out in a couple of calls. Or maybe just one if they live in the same shack.
"I called your mom and she said that no one is answering there phones,"
Ok, so David's mom tried calling relatives and no one answered so Chal-rine takes this to me they are obviously dead. Man. I hope David doesn't turn his cell phone off when he goes to the game. He'll come home and his wife will have assumed him dead, went through the five stages of grief and married a new guy before half-time.
"...when she was talking to me she got attacked David they killed her."
Now... Unless these are particularly helpful zombies, zombies who, say, narrate their actions as they are doing them, Chal nire has absolutely no was of determining this! Of course, given her logic she probably called after mom twice and figured well maybe she didn't hear me because she was running away from the zombies. Nah. She's probably just dead. Better tell my brother!
David and Drew pulled out their guns and loaded them.
"Where the fuck did yall get those?"
"An old man gave them to us baby."
"What so there's an old man man selling guns on the side of the road no?"
God, Charlein, quit being such a bitch.
Page 5
David looked at her. "Shut the hell up."
That's tellin' her, Dave!
"Amber opened the door and..." J.D. hit the ground crying. He lached on to David. "I tried to save, I realy did."
I know how it is, brother. You just wrote an awesome blog post in Notepad and you accidentally click the X button and Windows is all "The text in the Untitled file has changed. Do you want to save the changes?" and you anxiously zip your pointer over to Yes but instead you click too fast and click NO and the document disappears and you look up to the ceiling and scream "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn!"
"Its ok." David held his brother."
Aha! So it seem not all the family is dead! I bet Chrl aine feels like an ass now!
Charlien walked out the door. "What the hells going on out here. What's wrong with J.D.? Why is he covered in blood? What's going on?"
David looked at her. "We don't fucking know stop asking so many fucking questions."
DAAAAAY-ummmmm! I mean I know she's a pain in the ass, Dave, but that was STONE COLD, PIMP!
Page 6
Drew was sitting on the coach with his head in his hands. "Drew are you ok?" Charlien asked.
"Yeah. Killing my cusin is somethingi do everyday."
Even Drew's giving her shit! Why does she hang out with these assholes?
We're gonna kick some Zombie ass."
Seriously. This story couldn't be any more awesome unless right after he said that Slash started wailing on a guitar and fireworks exploded.
So that's the story. How I wish and hope and pray for more. Two dumb guys act shitty to a woman repeatedly over 6 pages, get shot at once and we see two zombies. I hope his mom raised his allowance after he wrote this. That's be wicked rad!
*Guitar wails*
