Daily Kos via Reproductive Health Reality Check reported today that Department of Health and Human Services is playing fast and loose with the "abortion" word. In what many consider a stunning move, the DHHS is trying to re-frame the discussion in such a way that contraception is considered abortion. I won't wax lyrical about the religio-political implications contained herein. Frankly, that's not really my shtick. Besides, others are already doing so and in a manner far more eloquently than I possibly could. For example, Cristina Page writes:


In a spectacular act of complicity with the religious right, the Department of Health and Human Services Monday released a proposal that allows any federal grant recipient to obstruct a woman's access to contraception. In order to do this, the Department is attempting to redefine many forms of contraception, the birth control 40% of Americans use, as abortion. Doing so protects extremists under the Weldon and Church amendments.


Not too shabby. However, notice the slight stylistic differences between the above excerpt and my own first attempt at this blog entry:


COCKS! COCKS! A MILLION ROCKET-POWERED COCKS SLAPPING YOUR FACE FOR ETERNITY! FANATICAL DICKWADS! BLARGH!


Slightly more succinct, no? But then, I didn't get to be the number one Google result for "dried horse shit dong" by mincing words, did I kiddos?

I read a few opinions on the matter and one Internet troll salient individual asked everyone to keep in mind that this was not about being anti-abortion but rather being anti-sex. Which makes more sense really. The Bush administration is hardly about saving lives^*. If I even have to point out the disconnect there you're probably better served reading Freep^**. However, one favorite chestnut of the neo-ultra-Christian-right (or masquerading Premillennial Dispensationalists, if you will) is the subservience of women.

"The pesky broads got the right to vote and they're out in the in the workplace showing their ankles and everything! What can we do to keep them down? Hey! I hear they enjoy sexual intercourse! Let's mess with that!"

I mean God forbid people have sex.

What?

He did?

Oh. Right.

Anyway...

This didn't fully track with me. It was kind of reminiscent of South Park's Underpants Gnomes:

Step 1: Stop women from having sex for pleasure
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Promised Land!

But... But... What about all that Viagra that's covered by health plans? We can't let all those wrinkly boners go to waste... I mean, if all the women in the country were forced to stop having sex who would the men be having sex with? I guess... other men? But how does tha-

That's when it hit me:

The Bush Administration is a collection of priapismic crypto-homos bent on eliminating heterosexual intercourse

It makes perfect sense!

And we're not talking healthy, fun gay-on-gay buttsex. No, my friends. The Queers In Power (hereafter referred to as QuIPs) are not of the divalicious-drag-queen variety. Nor are they of the limp-wristed-bitchy-faggot contingent.

No.

What we're dealing with here is beyond the pale. An evil force so malignant that I barely dare whisper its name. And when I do it's all breathy and shit and it sounds kinda sexy 'cuz I have a bit of hay fever goin' on.



Gay Nazis.


That's right. No fun-loving queers be these. Here we're dealing at the roughest of trade. Recall Ned Beatty's butt-pirate in Deliverance?

Gay Nazi.

Remember when Assef took Hassan for a spin in The Kite Runner?

Gay Nazi.

Remember that time after Rush week you and Timmy got high listening to Dream Theater albums and he ended up sucking you off?

Well, that was kinda hot, sure. But he was also secretly a Gay Nazi.

The QuIPs constantly engender men to take up manly pursuits like:

hanging in a foxhole with your best buds.

praying on your knees together.

covering up statues of nude women.

Certainly nothing gay going on there.

Goddammit, boy, if it's good enough for the U.S. Navy it oughta be good enough for you!

Seriously. Watch the news sometime. The next time some moralistic crusader gets popped for taking a load in his mouth look back on his record. Methinks Mary doth protesteth too much.

Haggerty.

Craig.

There's two examples from the last year and I didn't even have to think that hard. For years I've believed there was a direct relationship between someone's level of anti-gayness and their own confused sexuality. In short, the bigger the homophobe, the bigger the closet queen. Check out this scientifical graph that I found on the Internet and did not in any way quickly cobble together in PhotoShop.



Click to embiggen!


Finally! Validation. And since I'm so comfortable in my sexuality I think I'll celebrate by watching some gay porn.

^*Full disclosure: I'm comfortable with judicious application of the death penalty. But that's an entirely different entry. Jerk.
^**Fuck you. I am not linking to those dickwipes. Use Google, mouth-breather.