Last night I went to see The Happening.
I'd been warned not to.
Hell, I even bumped into a spoiler last week. But after reading it I concluded the author was just fucking with me.
He was not fucking with me.
The three words he wrote were patently retarded, yet they remain the secret to the plot. In fact, to call them retarded does an injustice to the retarded. Especially the standout work of Geri Jewell as the resident fucking hooplehead on Deadwood.
Words fail. I know this is a blog and I'm all clever and use words amusingly but there's really nothing I can say of this movie. Let's take a look at this promo shot of Mark Wahlberg...
Yeah, that's pretty much the same expression I had during the film. There were some interesting deaths and some neat ideas but the overall execution was awful. Literally, the most excited I got was when I spotted Brian O'Halloran's cameo. See this on video because it's a train wreck and you'll wonder how three big names got attached to such a shitty project. I mean, I felt sorry for Marky Mark.
I felt sorry.
For Marky Mark.
Yep. That's pretty much what typing that felt like.
Dag, homeboy. How you gonna go out like dat? Lissen up, playa. My crew and me goin' old school. We like yo style and we want your name. Fo' real, straigh' up. What say we do lunch? I can see the posters now...
As if to add insult to injury I find out this morning that George Carlin is gone. Sad kitty.
My only ray of light came from the lovely Sya. Check this out... A few years ago her sister met up with this guy from the Intarwebs. She fell in love and he proceeded to out-scumbag most scumbags I know. It's a tale full of drama, fraud, criminal charges, a faked death and a community of spurned women rallying around Sya and her sister. Ever hear of Andrew Raymond Tower? You will. Be sure to read the comments. This is golden stuff here, kids. I don't usually break it out but seeing as your mom's away for the night, have a drink of the good stuff.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3