Mmmmmhmmmmmm. Boy is she tasty. Can't you imagine the depraved things you could do to that girl? Yeah? Wanna tell me about 'em?
Oh that's dirty. You kiss your ma with that mouth? HaHa! I'm jes' playin'. You know how we do. Hey, homes, since you shared your secret with me, lemme share a secret with you...
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ADVANCED DISCUSSION/AND OR PREPARATION FOR POSSIBLE SOLICITATION OF A MINOR YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF EVER ACTUALLY ENCOUNTERING IS A FELONY IN THIS STATE. A FEDERAL FELONY. THIS IS DETECTIVE OFFICER POLICE COPS, DETECTIVE OFFICER JOHN POLICE COPS OF THE FIRST PRECINCT AND I'M GONNA RIDE YOU LIKE THE G-TRAIN, THAT IS TO SAY STOPPING ONLY BRIEFLY IN GREENPOINT TO GET A SLICE OR TWO FROM TRIANGOLO'S, BEST PIE IN TOWN. BUT THE ONLY PIE YOU'LL BE GETTING IS A STEAMING SLICE OF JUSTICE COBBLER DISHED OUT WITH A HEAVY HELPING OF MAN-RAPE AND MAYBE SOME BISCOTTI.
Yeah. That girl? Turns out she's 14. Seriously. Anyone else find that hard to believe? I mean it. Look at the way
This would be a perfect time to look at the hypocritical attitudes we have towards sexualization, particularly the sexualization of children, in this country. A critical study of sociological trends and the quicker transition into adolescence due to the omnipresence of hormonally-enhanced cattle could also be enligthening.
Frankly, I'm not that motivated. And you wouldn't be reading this if you were.
However, being a concerned citizen, I decided to alert my fellow netizens of the perilous peril that potentially imperiled them. And by "alert them" I mean "attempt to entrap them as their most hidden desires come to the front".
Desires best left unsated.
Like child pornography.
Or watching American Idol.
Which, to be fair, are really the same thing.
One just one has a better time slot.
I casually begin IM'ing my
Me: Dear lord. You know this girl? [link to the picture]
Jon: Nope.
Me: She's crazy hot, no?
Jon: Didn't look at the pic much, but sure...
Me: I mean you can imagine doing all sorts of filthy things to her, yes? Brad disagrees.
Jon: Who is it?
Me: some actress.
Jon: I don't trust you enough to answer any questions without knowing who it is...
Me: Goddamn youse.
Me: Your mistrust is well placed.
Ok. Fair enough. Jon is a pretty sharp guy. And a good judge of character. Let's see how Matt does in this little test...
Me: Dear lord. You know this girl? [link to the picture]
Matt: Not sure - kinda familiar I guess...
Me: Is she hot or what?
Matt: Well, yes...
Me: Good lord... Can you imagine how many disgusting things you could do with that????
Matt: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Am I wrong???
Matt: So who is she?
Me: Some actress.
Matt: LOL ok.
Me: Seriously. I need backing on this. Brad disagrees. Would you hit that or what?
Matt: She is cute - but perhaps young.
Me: Correct! She is 14!
Matt: Yeah, was pretty sure she wasn't legal.
Hrmmmm. This isn't as easy as it looks. Damn you, Chris Hansen! Fine. Nate is a whore. I know I can get him to flip on this filly...
Me: Dear lord. You know this girl? [link to the picture]
Nate: ?
Nate: What's the deal with her?
Me: She's freakin' hot, no?
Nate: Ah.
Nate: Yeah.
Nate: But why the focus on her? Lots of girls are hot... Just because?
... I just can't win. Way to be existential and shit, Nate. I show you poon and you want a discrete mathematics argument. Ok. For sure this time... I know! I'll ping a sexual deviant! My friend Lisa is bisexual swinger atheist. Surely, if there's anything to the shrill caws of the right-wingers in this country this hedonista will salivate at the mere thought of despoiling this child's maidenhead!
Me: Dear lord. You know this girl? [link to the picture]
Lisa: Looks familiar.
Me: Taylor Momsen. Never heard of her.
Me: She's hot though, right?
Lisa: I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating crackers.
Me: You'd do all sorts of filthy things with her, yes?
Lisa: I don't know... She looks a little young... She might not be into it yet.
Lisa: Look how pure she seems.
Me: You are correct! She's 14!
Lisa: 14?
Lisa: Good lord.
Me: I know, right?
Lisa: She's got on enough makeup to make a whore blush.
My entire belief system is in tatters! Can it possibly be that ultra-conservatives have led me astray??? I have but one recourse left! What ever will Brad say???
Me: Dear lord. You know this girl? [link to the picture]
Brad: Nope, but I'd like to.
Me: You'd do all sorts of filthy things with her, yes?
Brad: Yes.
Me: She's 14, you perv.
Brad: Fine, I wouldn't stick it in her butt yet.
Even taking into account that this procedure has a margin of error of ± 2% the results are pretty conclusive:
1) Taylor Momsen is a whore
2) Brad is going to prison
Seriously. You're sitting there judging me. I can feel it. You think I'm sick and twisted. You think I'm perverse. And that's completely separate from this blog!
Look.
All I'm saying is look at this chick:
Do you see how hot she is? Liar. The plain and simple fact that you are desperately trying to avoid is that even if this chick had Macaulay Culkin's face you'd still do her.
Now that's creepy.
