Dear Ron,
Thank you for your e-mail. It was refreshing to hear from an old friend on a cold Monday morning. However, this reply does not bear sunshine and greetings alone...
While I have long been noted to be an advocate and friend to the gay community I must protest your latest e-mail to me. Whatever one does in the privacy of one's own home is one's own business. This in mind, I found your e-mail puzzling and most distressing. I do not foist upon you e-mails detailing my latest sexual escapades and, as such, I find no reason for you to include me in a mass mailing intended to incite fervor among the masses in anticipation of a largely homosexual activity: March Madness.
Grown men, sweating and heaving, mauling each other's "balls" and rudely egging each other on to "jam it in the hole" is not my cup of tea. I'm perfectly comfortable in my sexuality but I see no call for sending me missives of this nature. And creating Excel spreadsheets for the tracking of "positions" or "shots taken" simply falls beyond the pale. Please refrain from such activity in the future.
On a lighter note, I am enjoying my stay at your parents' domicile and have found the large screen television most agreeable for watching good old-fashioned hardcore heterosexual pornography.
God bless America.
Regards,
Jon
