So I got bored last night trying to finish Sex and the City and for some reason I thought it would be amusing to deconstruct a crappy song. I hope I chose well.

cold cooling

Here Ton has used the adjective "cold" to emphasize the entirety of his state of relaxation or "cooling". Not only is he relaxed, he is very relaxed.

at a ball

Clever, Ton. He's used the imagery of a cotillion here to suggest the elegant or at least festive atmosphere of the event he is attending. Bravo, sir!

looking for some action

Ton is communicating his anxiousness to have sexual intercourse with one or more young ladies, a popular theme in hip-hop.

but like Mick Jagger said
I can't get no satisfaction

A reference to the Rolling Stones song "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction". Hip-hop is rife with knowing references and inside jokes. One must certainly be "in-the-know" to appreciate the full spectrum of this urban art.

the girls are all around
but none of them wanna get with me
my threads are fresh and I'm looking def
yo, wassup with the l-o-c

Indeed. The quintessential rub of life. Many a young man has attended a gala or similar function sporting his finest apparel only to continually be rebuffed by the fairer sex. In the last line Ton wonders aloud, perhaps to the listener, perhaps to the universe (perhaps even to a Higher power?) "Why do I face the night alone?"

the girls are all jocking
at the other end of the bar
having drinks with some no-name chump
when they know that I'm the star

Ton has noticed that all of the young ladies for some reason have flocked to the side of a man whose outward appearances would suggest that such attention would be counterintuitive. The simple fact that Ton is a B-List celebrity should at least garner him a glance or a "hello".

so I got up and strolled over
to the other side of the cantina
I asked the guy, "why you so fly?"
he said "funky cold medina"

Tortured by this enigma, Ton sets his pride aside and inquires of the man what his secret is. Why do women love him so??

this brother told me a secret
on how to get more chicks

For those unfamiliar with hip-hop jargon, this man is not, in actuality, a sibling but rather Ton considers him a kindred spirit, one about to reveal the mystery of his allure.

put a little medina in your glass
and the girls'll come real quick

While spiking strangers' drinks with unknown chemicals obtained in a bar from persons unknown is generally frowned upon, the use of double entendre with the word "come" almost makes up for it.

it's better than any alcohol
or afrodesiac
a couple of sips of this love potion and she'll be on your lap

At first glance one may assume that Ton is not aware that medina is in fact an aphrodisiac. However, closer inspection reveals the clever use of the homophone which reinforces the theme that the artist is African-American.

so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg

Again, the use of unknown chemicals is bad enough but to compound the error by using animal testing crosses another line entirely. At the time of this writing no response has yet been heard from PETA on this matter. I expect they will have harsh words for Mr. Loc. Harsh words indeed.

he used to scratch and bite me
before he was much much meaner
but now all the poodles run to my house for the funky cold medina

An unexpected side effect of the drug seems to have been the mellowing of his dog's temperament. An almost ironic result as the usual procedure for this sort of behavior modification is the castration of the animal. Instead, in this case, the effect has been to reassert the animal's natural male behavior. Additionally, the reference to poodles borders on specieism for the simple fact that not all poodles are female. The syllogism he has presented does not track. Ton proposes that since all of the poodles that come to his house are female it must then follow that all poodles are female. Faulty logic, Ton.

you know what I'm saying
I got every dog in my neighborhood breaking down my door
I got Spuds McKenzie, Alex from Strohs
they won't leave my dog alone with that medina thing

Surprisingly, Ton is aware of the little-known fact that most celebrity animals are in fact female regardless of how their marketing campaigns portray their sex.

I went up to this girl
she said "Hi, my name is Sheena"
I thought she'd be good to go with a little funky cold medina,

Ton has inadvisably decided to use medina on an unsuspecting young lady.

she said "I'd like a drink", I said "ok, I'll go get it"

The young woman has mistaken Ton's deviousness for kindness. Terrible. Wasn't this the man who only moments ago bemoaned his fate in an unjust universe? To then prey upon another's weakness for his own gain is simple hypocrisy.

and then a couple of sips, she cold licked her lips and I knew that she was
with it

The evil drug has taken effect and the young woman is now feeling its amorous effects.

so I took her to my crib

Again, urban slang. A "crib" is actually a place of residence. The unspoken implication that someone so juvenile should choose to call his domicile by a term readily associated with infantilism is overwhelming.

and everything went well as planned
but when she got undressed it was a big old mess
Sheena was a man

Everything according to plan you say, Ton? It would seem your injudicious actions have backfired on you, no?

so I threw him out
I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener
you must be sure that the girl is pure for the funky cold medina

you know,
ain't no plans with a man,
this is the 80s and I'm down the ladies,

These two stanzas border on homophobia or at the very least a lack of empathy for the plight of the transgendered.

break it down,

Here Ton asks his disc jockey to turn up the volume. No doubt to cover the sound of him ravishing an unwary young girl.

back in the saddle, looking for a little affection
I took a shot, I thought I'd test it on the Love Connection

Having recovered from his disappointing sexual misadventure, Ton has decided to seek the sage council of Chuck Woolery. Finally, he has made a wise decision. However, I'm not sure one can simply appear on a nationally syndicated dating game show at will. Then again, what I don't know about nationally syndicated dating game shows could fill a book!

the audience guests voted, and you know, they picked a winner
I took my date to the Hilton for
medina and some dinner

Again, Ton has chosen to play dirty with an innocent victim.

she had a few drinks, I'm thinking soon what I'd be getting,
but that's when she started talking 'bout plans for our wedding,
I said "wait, slow down love, not so fast, I'll be seeing ya",
that's why I found you don't play around with the funky cold medina

Again the medina has boomeranged on our little anti-hero. Instead of a night of shallow and loveless lust, the mere proposal of a an impending proposal is enough to send Mr. Loc running. When will he learn? The karmic implications should be more than crystal clear at this point in the tale.

you know what I'm saying
that medina's a monster y'all

At long last, Ton has discovered the medina's true nature. Or was the monster inside of him the whole time? Something to ponder on a winter's night.



I can't believe you read that whole thing.